How not to unclog a toilet in 3 easy steps

*******ATTENTION******NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART OR STOMACH******THIS IS GROSS******

OMG, so last night in the wee hours of 2 am I decide I finally am ready to go to bed. See it isn't so easy to fall asleep and stay asleep these days so I make sure I am darn good and tired first (plus I was having too much fun trying to get my brain to remember what time my chiropractor appointment was for today!) So anyway, I decide to go to bed, first must use the toilet, then take meds, brush teeth, check doors.....ya know the routine. But wait. Toilet is clogged...Ok, lets try flushing. Oops, wrong decision! Now toilet is up to the brim. Fantastic! Just what I was looking for, a night of adventure, and something different. (wait, wasn't that supposed to be a DATE, not a toilet un-clogging?) So I start looking for the plunger, you know, the little wooden handle thing with the rubber suctiony thingy at the end that EVERYONE ON THE PLANET has? Yah, after nearly an hour of searching, I find the snake, but no plunger, because we are the only family on the earth that has 5 TVs and NO PLUNGER!!!!!! Oh goody, this should be fun...never tried one of these before! So I try the snake. Now how do these work? You turn the crank and ... nothing? Ok, so I will pull it out by hand. ok, so maybe this is when I am supposed to turn the crank...HOLY CRAP!!! (picture innocent unsuspecting, medicated, ready to go to bed (read overly tired) woman with a 3 foot length of half inch round coil flinging about as crank is being turned) Yah, THAT was not a good idea! So glad it was not in the toilet when I tried that little experiment!!!!!! So off we go to unclogging the toilet, cram that little bugger down the toilet, try to loosen whatever nastiness is keeping it stopped up without getting anything on yourself. Riiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhht. This is not a fairy tale. This is real. Do not try this at home. So, now I spend an hour or more cramming snake thingy down the toilet and all I have done is make the water lower an inch or so. Time to wake spouse. 4am! Spouse clearly ecstatic to be awakened at this hour for such a pleasurable experience. We start the never ending plunger search once again. Rechecking already checked places, looking in new far too small to be hiding a plunger spaces in hopes that it IS in there so we don't have to try the evil snake again...NO luck...back to the snake...or NOT.
See, there was a third option that I hadn't even considered. The go to sleep and deal with it in the morning by calling my dad who definitely has a plunger option. So off to bed we go. Dad had it unclogged in the morning in less than a minute with his plunger.

Moral of this story ... Buy a plunger!

now back to your regularly scheduled insanity already in progress.